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Brandon and I have been married for almost 13 years, have two beautiful children, soon to be three! We are adopting from Ethiopia and couldn't be more excited to start this new chapter!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


Today is the first day that I am officially no longer Eli's caregiver/nanny/babysitter...whatever you want to call me. Actually, that's not right. It would have been last Thursday but today I am feeling the loss of him. Yes, it was my decision and yes, I know he's not mine but I love him like he is.

When Matthew & Nikki first asked me about being able to watch Eli I prayed about it and talked with Brandon and really took my time in giving them an answer. I prayed that God give me the love for him that I have for my own children and He did. He answered my prayers tenfold. I can honestly say that I love Elijah with as much fervor as I do Madelyn and Nolan. He's my little buddy. We have a special relationship that I can't really describe. I am his auntie. I'm his "Awa".

What I didn't pray for and probably should have, was that when the time was right, and it was time to move on from being his caregiver, that I would be able to let go and not feel the hurt that I feel right now. It's probably totally unhealthy to be mourning the loss of a little boy who is perfectly fine, is being well cared for by his new nanny, that I WILL see quite often, and whose parents we are extremely close with. But he brought me such absolute joy and loved me as much as I loved him that my heart is breaking because I will no longer be the one to care for him, to see his glowing little face every Wednesday and Thursday morning.

I know this whole thing may sound totally irrational, especially considering that I am now able to work in Madelyn & Nolan's classrooms every week, go on field trips, and take time to bond with our son when he comes home. It doesn't stop my heart from hurting. I expect it will take a long time to mend.


Blogger The Redman's said...

Stop it!! That made me cry!!! You have a beautiful heart. I knew there was a reason why I loved you! Eli is blessed to have you as his Awa! :)

November 3, 2010 at 10:30 PM  
Blogger Mark H. said...

The fact that you feel the loss demonstrates the beautiful nature of your heart. You don't run from the pain of loss, you seem to have this fantastic way of continuing forward with opening your arms and loving the children in your life. That is an absolutely God given characteristic!! Onto the next child that God will place within your life so that he/she may feel the love God knows you can provide for them. It's like a call April. The pain is the challenge of the call.

November 17, 2010 at 8:54 AM  
Blogger Nikki & Matthew Savage said...

Awww! I am loving the picture of you two together- his chubby little face :) If it makes you feel better, whenever the doorbell rings he still runs to the door yelling "AWA!"

November 18, 2010 at 9:05 PM  

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